It's Valentine's Day. WORST FUCKING FAKE ASS HOLIDAY EVER! Seriously, Columbus Day is a close second, along with Christmas and Mother's day etc. 

This is the time you get to tell the person you're with that you love them (but not next week or the rest of the month for that matter, unless you have a birthday or anniversary coming up). But this love is going to cost you. A lot. Here's a checklist for you if you need one:

1. Reservations at a fancy restaurant - This means $$$ and up on the yelp scale. However, some of these restaurants are slick and have 'Pre-fixed' VD meals. Which means you can't order from the regular menu where all the good stuff is. Your date will not be amused. You need to find a restaurant that does not do this which means $$$$$.
 
2. Nice clothes - If you don't have some already. You can't wear your favorite shirt with the mustard stain that you can hide with a sweater vest. 
 
3. Flowers - Healthy ones, meaning not dead and withered. Also they have to be more than one, people just assume you're cheap if you show up with one red rose because saying something along the lines of "A single unique rose for the single unique person in my life that matters..." is bullshit. The rose is a single and unique as the bundle it originally came from (don't believe the Hollywood lie about this,there is nothing romantic about it). 

 
4. Chocolates - Good ones. That heart shaped box of inedible shit squares don't count. I know Russell Stover's people are probably reading this but let's be honest for second. This commercial you put out with women saying they actually want this are liars. How much did you pay them to say that? And look at where they are? They picked up these women on the street! One of them might be homeless and you fixed her up and put her in front of a camera for a sandwich. The last one looks like she just got out of the gym. You know how much gym memberships cost?

 
  

5. Hotel / Motel? - Let's face it. Unless you're a clean freak and your place is spotless you're going to have to find an alternative place. And don't rely on going to their place either cause I've seen how women live. Just because they don't walk out of the house looking like a train wreck doesn't mean their home isn't one. 


 
 
Total so far: To Fucking Much. 


Honestly, how much is this one night stand going to cost? Also there is the off chance that she's raggin' it. So vagina sex is not happening. Unless you're planning on sneaking in the back door. It is Valentine's Day after all, it's about give and take. Otherwise it's just a blowjob tonight or at the bare minimum a handjob.

In my opinion fuck all that. You love somebody, you love somebody. You don't need society telling you how much you need to spend and what day it's acceptable to do so. You know what's romantic? Flowers. On April 23rd or July 17th or November 3rd. You know, one of the other 365 days in the year. It's called a surprise. Figure out how they work! Trust me the pay off is a lot better than the bill you get from Visa or Amex in March. 

I suggest buying you're self some chinese food and watch people's relationships go to shit on twitter because some genius thought it was a good idea to propose today and got the wrong size ring. Because remember it's a competition. Whoever gets the most expensive and extravagant gift wins. 

But if you're a sucker and decide to break the bank, then I hope your blowjob was worth it. 

-Rudy Stantz