With the exception of tails, which are optional in some cases (works both ways), there is nothing different between a baby and a dog. Let me explain.


I know what you are thinking, obviously the first one is the a dog and the second is a baby. Wrong. The second one is a dog and the first one is a baby. 

Now, back to business. This idea came to me when I was helping my brother-in-law lay down carpet so that Gio, my brother-in-law's son (my nephew - pictured above), wouldn't hurt himself on the hardwood floors (Why do we always feel the need to say hardwood floors? Aren't all wood floors hard? Apparently not. There is such a thing as softwood floors. WHO KNEW!). But when do you ever lay down carpet for a dog? Answer: You don't. You do, however, lay down newspaper and wee-wee pads which are the equivalent of diapers.

But when babies aren't busy soiling themselves they are playing with their toys. Colorful, rubber, sound producing toys. Which may or may not look like this:

Now that we've got some toys for these babies to play with we need to make sure they don't go snooping around the house fucking things up, right? I mean, how many times can you yell 'NO!' before you lose your voice?

Especially if they learned to run and climb. That's why America sells these:

Fences. Also available in corgi. 

I know, being cooped up in a confined square for a long period of time you're going to want them to stretch out those legs (I've flown coach). But we don't need those little bastards and/or sons of bitches running around the street causing hell and getting lost. Then we'll have to put pictures of dogs on the back of milk cartoons and flyers on telephone posts reading: Missing Baby - Reward If Found! We need to make sure they can't get too far aways from us...

Leashes, one of man's greatest invention.

While you're on your stroll with your cute dog or baby you might come across one of those overly happy and intrusive people and carry a conversation that goes like this:

For a baby:

Oh my god! He/She is so cute! What's he/she's name? How old is he/she? *Start cutesy-lovey-dovey high pitched talk*

For a dog: 

Oh my god! He/She is so cute! What's he/she's name? How old is he/she? *Start cutesy-lovey-dovey high pitched talk*

What if you're going somewhere far? Somewhere that requires a car? That's ok, we have you covered.

Also available in corgi. 

Boy, what a long day. Time to go to sleep. 


Better get some rest guys because tomorrow is Halloween!